Mamang sa ospital

Mamang was finally admitted at the hospital. Somehow, I knew this was coming, but it still came as a surprise. You know the feeling that you think you’re already prepared, but you realize later that it still pains you because you are never truly prepared. I kept telling myself that it won’t be so much of a big deal because she’s been hospitalized lots of times before, and that this wasn’t any different. I’m probably in denial because Mamang is healthy, and her BP is normal, and her temperature is okay, and she still eats, and sleeps, and jokes. I kept on hoping that the doctors will release her already, because it was so obvious she wasn’t comfortable lying in that hospital bed, with the smell of medicines and blood and nurses around her. And when the doctors finally did, it didn’t make thing any better because you know they’re doing it because there’s no more hope, but only a promise of a few months. But looking at Mamang, in that state, it seems that those few months doesn’t include Christmas and New Year and family gatherings and happy celebrations. I wanted to cry, but I can’t because even Mom and Yeye aren’t crying, at least not in front of me. I don’t know if crying could release some of the pain and hurt within, because I think I’ll just end up more depressed and sadder. Right now, I could only smile until the promised days had ended, and when that happens, who knows? This is real, and this is life and blood and great love. My heart will break and bleed, and my eyes will become so red and big and bulgy. How does one prepare for that? Acceptance, they would say. Trust that her soul will forever be beside the Creator. That death is a gift. Ah, those may be true as well. I shouldn’t think about this right now. Mamang is still IS. She eats, and sleeps, and jokes. I don’t have to be weak, don’t have to be pathetic. She still smiles at me, and I’ll smile back at her. Time wouldn’t be long, and I can be a total wreck afterwards, but I’d do what I can for her now. The thing that I’m hoping for now is that she be okay until my aunts and uncles come home this Christmas. Just that. I hope the good Lord give her that much.